I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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