i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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