I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
