Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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