Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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