I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
