Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
