Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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