Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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