Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
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