who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
