You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
