Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
