have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
