for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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