I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
