Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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