Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
