A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
where does the pee come out of this thing
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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