I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
