Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
