My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
