I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
