now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
