***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
