good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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