You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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