I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
