Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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