HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
