I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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