i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
