I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
