I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
