I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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