I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
