its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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