i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
