Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
and she was petting her beer can
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
