If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize