On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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