You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
