theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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