I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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