she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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