I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
