Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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