connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You made out with two different species that night
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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