I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
