i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
