so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
