he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
