I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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