How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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